F*** Cancer

Three summers ago, I received word that one of my dearest friend's cancer had returned. It had been two years since her first diagnosis and we thought she was good.  I remember the emotion so vividly - the heartbreak, the fear, the anxiety, the anger. I spent a lot of time crying, a lot of time praying. Quite frankly, I was blubbering mess.

The Sunday after receiving that news, standing in church, I found myself unable to breathe, nearly collapsing. I rushed out of the sanctuary, pressed my back against a cold brick wall and let myself sink to the ground. In this moment another friend that was there came, lowered herself to the floor and wrapped her arms around me. It was as if her entire body enveloped me, she just held me and together we sat there and cried uncontrollably. 

Today, my friend has been fighting this second battle for three years. We have been up and down, in and out of the hospital. There have been so many moments of joy and many moments of crushing pain. And still she fights. She has the strength of a super hero. 

When I've been with her I've found myself just staring, wanting to take in every expression, every freckle, every twinkle of her eye. I don't want to miss a thing and sometimes that has paralyzed me. Sometimes I haven't been able to even express the emotion and yet it is still inside me. I hang on her every word, fearful of losing her and angry that she has to go through this. The cancer isn't stopping. It's like a tidal wave that just keeps hitting and is doing everything to pull you under. 

The fear remains real.

The heartbreak is ever present.

The anger invades

and with all that I am

I beg for her healing. 

It's like a bad dream. 

I want a happy ending

so badly it hurts.

Desperately, I press my back against a cold brick wall and sink into the ocean of tears. 

This week, as the battle intensifies, as we brace for the next round, I find the emotion wanting to come out. So I cry out in anger... "F*** cancer!" I cry out in heartbreak... "This isn't fair!" I cry out in desperation... "Lord, have mercy! Christ, have mercy!" And I find myself in the realization that perhaps it's hard to express my emotion because I feel as if He isn't listening...

And I'm left trying to keep the tidal wave from stealing my hope. Sometimes it's okay to say "This sucks" and it's probably always okay to say "F*** cancer!"