I Am Fearful

Yesterday, a friend and I were talking.  She said something that made me shrink back for a moment.  She said, "Sharon, people aren't like you. Most people just aren't like you. Most people are fearful and they get paralyzed. You, you have no fear."  I looked at this person for a second and I pondered her statement because what she doesn't see is the fear that litters my mind on a daily basis.

I had to stop and think for a second because her perspective is just as valid as mine.  She sees me differently than I see myself and both of our views are real, true experiences; so somewhere in the middle has to be a Truth that acknowledges both realities.

I am a strong woman.  I roll up my sleeves and quite frankly I get sh*t done. There are not many obstacles that I cannot find a way around or over and I don't stop because the road is hard or taking too long.  I am not a quitter.  Perhaps these are the things my friend sees. But she doesn't see the fearfulness that is inside of me. Reality check: I am fearful.

Here's the thing. Every day I am fearful.  I am fearful about what people will think of me. I'm fearful that I won't be enough. I'm fearful that I will mess up. I am fearful that I...I...I...and this brings me to a realization - most of our fears are about ourselves. They are about our own comfortability or our own pride. On any given day, the fears that come to my mind are always about me.  If I fear a change in my job, the fear is of what it means for me. If I fear losing my home, the fear surrounds what I'm gonna do.  Fear is a me problem.

My friend was right. Fear paralyzes us.  We remain in the crappiest of situations because we fear change, because it easier to stay the same than to change.  What my friends sees as lack of fear in me, I guess I would see as fear under submission.  Let me explain.

Fear is about myself and when I am fearful, I have to remind myself that life is not about me. My faith calls me to lay down my life, my desires, my will for the sake of others.  In those moments that I am paralyzed by fear, I recall the words of Jesus when he said, "greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends" (John 15:13) or "if any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from  your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me." (Matthew 16:24) Fear has it's roots in selfishness. "For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-disicpline." (2 Timothy 1:7) 

Fear is not of God and daily I fight it, as I'm sure you do too. It's not that I am not fearful. I fear all the time and all the time I remind myself that my calling is to love with wreckless abandon of myself.